never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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