If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
