Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
