i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
