no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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