Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
