He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
