I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
