It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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