my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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