her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
