Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
