Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
