i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
