Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
