this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I met the friendliest cop last night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
