Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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