im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
