So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
