He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
