why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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