My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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