im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
