So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
