I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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