the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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