two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
