Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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