I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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