She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
