I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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