btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
