I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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