saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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