Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
