i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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