he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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