I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
