i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have fence marks all over my body
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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