You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
