She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
