mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
