Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
