my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my sisters under your porch take her home
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
