My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
