holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
