i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
