u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
