I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
