I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
